If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
