i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
