Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
