Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
