His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
