i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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