apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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