A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
