Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
