I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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