I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
