I need help removing her.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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