the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
