I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
