we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Your dad touched me again.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
