we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
