I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
