Barsexuality is the new black.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
