We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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