I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
