I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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