He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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