Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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