other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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