hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
