i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
