I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
