Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
