remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
