I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
even my farts smell like vagina
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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