i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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