I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
