That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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