I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
