i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
