alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
