That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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