I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
