Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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