I met the friendliest cop last night
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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