My nipple is on Facebook.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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