i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
