just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
