is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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