I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
