Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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