So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
