Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
