so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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