Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
