Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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