I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
