somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
