foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
